Deadlift what you sow.

al-kb-swing2.jpg

Snatches. Technique practice. Sets of 2-3 at about 70% max.

Front squats. 4 sets of 5.

KB Swings/pullups/burpees: 21/15/9 for time. See? I don’t totally hate CrossFit. Although getting this combo under 10 minutes took some bad words and sweating.

dtl_zionranch_02_080428300w.jpg

Sexy Sect Workout and Diet Plan

How soon can I build my Texas compound and get the party started? As a burgeoning cult leader, I’m knee deep in information about the shenanigans of the Fundamentalist Church of the Latter Day Saints and the area law enforcement. Besides the backwards way the police are going about everything (take the MEN away and let the women and children stay on the well-cultivated land with an open phone line to the local Pizza Hut and a good hair stylist. Duh.), there is justice in the dismantling of this cult (sect, religious order… whatever. Apparently there are folks more pedantic than I am, writing entire articles over what to call them).

Why? Because they were too conspicuous, but without a good sense of style or cool irony. In other words, they’re way too serious about their version of God, which apparently is all about making babies and giant cement walls (which would explain the babies, since a labor force is important). They take the fun out of ‘fundamentalist,’ and, as history has proven for centuries, that always fails. Granted, makin’ babies can be a good time, at least for the 2 and a half minutes that begins the process, but when your cult members have three things to do (make babies, build stuff and worship god), things are bound to get a little droll, not to mention sizable. All that building will eventually rile up someone who needs something to pick on (and probably isn’t having that much fun either) to meander over to the 24-hour construction-fest and start to wonder what is behind those 4-foot-thick cement walls, and are they having more fun than we are?

Once it is discovered that there is a group of people led by someone with power not contained by common society’s rules (instead contained by those damn 4-foot thick walls), they become a threat. Since every straight man has dreamed of multiple wives, and the fantasy will probably include conservative-but-loose 18th-century librarian-looking types, the polygamy issue is really just hot air. The issue is about power, and the State of Texas (and the US in general) didn’t seem to have a whole bunch of it over this group.

tdy_wolfe_custodylaw_080419300w.jpg

In other words, the battle becomes one group of power (or ‘cult’ if you will) trying to establish control over another. It is groovy to watch, since the law enforcement of group one is making moralistically questionable choices to establish control over group two, in the name of THEIR moralistically questionable choices. This, of course is not a new war, simply a repeat of the same one throughout history, but with different players, but it does offer valuable lessons for those of us future cult leaders as to the decisions we have to make.

Since several of us fitness folks have similar inclinations of (or, like certain gym affiliations that shall remain nameless, have already succeeded at) creating a strong, unquestioning following. There was one thing noticeable amongst the Texas clan that us burgeoning fitness cult leaders need to take into consideration:

Everyone from the FLDS looks in reasonable shape.

tdy_lauer_parents_080421300w.jpg

They’re not, ya know, our perhaps limited view of sexy, but they aren’t fighting beer guts and thunder thighs.

Apparently procreation and construction keep a body healthy. So it’s time to start the foundation laying for the Bodytribe temples. The blogged workouts will start looking a little like this:

Cement bag carry/mixing/pouring: Cement bag carry, 30 bags in 15 minutes, immediately followed by 10 minute round of mixing and 10 minutes of pouring

The cultivation combo: sow/grow/reap/cook. See how many reps within a 3-4 month period. Repeat, aiming for better times.

Be Sociable, Share!

Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Leave a Reply